On what Ambient Light (the substack) is

Or: Oh boy I'm nervous to put a name to this

I fell into the trap for a long time of thinking I had to have a single creative practice and call it at that. I was thinking if everything I was making wasn’t driving at some goal then it was a waste. I was also thinking at the time that it’s weird to have so many creative pursuits. If I could just focus on one, maybe I could make some great masterpiece, and a masterpiece can only be given that title if observed and graded as such. Did you catch that trap there? The trap of these things needing to be observed to have the privilege of existing. The idea that they need to be seen by other people to be deemed valid. (LOTS more of this existential hand wringing in every forthcoming post folks, stay tuned.)

And we can debate if art exists in a vacuum- some long form projects exist in the literal middle of nowhere and will rarely be seen by human eyes, but they do exist. (I have a whole post drafted about art at grand scale too)

This post is going to read differently than everything I’ve got drafted.

But I realize I kinda need to speak to myself here- I mean myself, and you too obviously. I will touch on being a lighting technician briefly here, unlike all my other posts I’ve got in the wings in which that’s the sole focus. This post will also read as more of a journal than anything else I’m writing intentionally for this… thing.

I’m not sure I’m an artist (I have a whole post drafted about this as well), but I’ll be damned if I don’t live creatively.

As my step dad who is a full time session guitarist and song writer, once told me- being an artist has less to do with the stuff you make, and more to do with how you you life your life. My take away from this has always been that it’s not about what you’re creating as that’s often just your job, but it’s about how to live a whole life outside of that career that allows you to flourish and have something to tap into when it comes time to create.

A continuum, ouroboros, a snake eating its own lumpy butt.

I’ve got a lot of pent up creative energy that used to have space for an outlet, and generally had a dedicated outlet. I just have less and less time right now for something I can dedicate time to. I’ve got a kid, a marriage, a job, and a body that’s finally starting to show signs of the mileage I put on it in my 20’s. I’m the walking definition of “Who has time for that anyway?”

Writing is something that has fallen to the wayside in recent years for me. I’m excited to be picking it back up. My main writing output for a real long time was poetry and music- both solo stuff and stuff with my band. I still jot down lyrics and poetry all the time, and have been on and off with keeping a journal for years.

Photography has been a good outlet for me lately and one I’ve been getting back to. It has the feeling of a long term project in that I’m documenting something, and that documentation is ongoing. It hits every little thing that I need engaged creatively to feel whole. It’s like what painting was for me when I did that regularly for years.

It’s the same in a very physical sense- I need to be aware of my body in space and so I end up being very “in” my body while doing it. Painting made sure I knew where my weight and balance was so I could get my hand in just the right place, and photography brings my neck and eyes into that. It drops me right into my body since I have to be present in that moment I snap a photo. Especially when I was doing actual film photography, it was important to be aware of the moment because I didn’t want to waste a frame.

I’m losing the plot a little here. Maybe on purpose.

I’m nervous to put a metaphorical name to this Substack. To define the shape of it. Because I’m really enjoying writing it.

I’m unsure what this is. I’m also very unsure I want to figure out what it is. But I do want to do some writing that focuses specifically on my thoughts, feelings and ideas around what it is to be a lighting technician. Our current era of this crazy image making industry is a bloated behemoth trying to figure itself out. I don’t think I have anything new to offer, but I don’t think I have to.

I’ve got a handful of posts written on everything from the Zen art of coiling cables, to the absurdity and necessity of gatekeeping. It’s all stuff I genuinely put some time and effort into, and I find myself not caring if anyone reads it. It’s just a buncha stuff I’ve thought about while working on set, and reflections on life as a lighting tech. Which is a nice relief from my usual self, needing to have a defined output for what I’m doing.

The posts cover topics we as lighting technicians talk about at work all the time.

There’s no discussion of lighting techniques (yet, but I have plans- not in the way you’re thinking) and it won’t serve as some sort of advice column- probably. And I’m really really really hoping it doesn’t turn into some kind of leadership advice thing- but that’s kinda in there whenever I talk about power dynamics I guess.

I think we just have to take the Socratic method and talk it out and ask some questions about why we behave the way we do on modern film sets (I have a whole post drafted about this too, literally entitled The Socractic Method is Dog Doo Doo.)

And I think I have to do the same with this Substack. Be Mr. Doctor Socrates and ask some questions to get at the meaning of this whole thing.

I’m not trying to drum up support, or anticipation here. I think this post is more akin to when the guy smashes the bottle on a ship when it finally sets out. Smash. Bang. Glass Noises. Ship slides down. Splash.

Gifting something with meaning, with a form, means giving it a context to exist in. Thus making it definable by comparison alone. By creating context here, I’ve given my writing some form of inherent meaning. And possibly defined it.

Ah crap. Well, happy definition day.